A Kirkwall Dream
by Frimia Thorson
Summary: A young girl finds herself in her dream place: Kirkwall, but it's different than she expected. She doesn't remember her name, or how she came to be in this new world; but she finds herself drawn to the ex-slave Fenris and his mysterious ways. Will she regain her memory and learn to cope with her new surroundings? Reviews appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch. 1_

_Juli_

I blink rapidly, bringing the world swimming into view. I rub my aching head. _Where am I?_ My vision is blurred, making everything seem tilted and fuzzy, and my head screams with intensity.

I don't remember anything. I don't remember how I got here, or even where _here _is. "Excuse me…are you okay?" a muffled, far-away voice calls.

I manage to sit up, my vision becoming clearer. I can make out stone buildings that seem familiar, yet foreign.

I see the pale face of a concerned woman stopping down to my level. I try to ask where I am, but there's a deafening ring in my ears and my mouth doesn't seem to want to cooperate with me, and it comes out in a jumbled mess. "I don't understand…" she murmurs. _She probably thinks I'm drunk…or insane._

"I'm sorry, serah," she says, shaking her head. She stands to her feet and floats away into the blurry mess of the world around me. I give my head a rough shake and prop myself up with my palms.

Suddenly, I regain my senses and I see my surroundings clearly for the first time. Pale buildings rise above me and people flit about like moths on the dirt-covered street. Most wear colorful clothing, some adorn armor…and I know I've seen this all before somewhere, but my head still aches, making the recognition seem like a distant, distorted dream.

None of the passer-bys notice me sitting on the hard ground. Their eyes are held forward as they walk to their destinations. I manage to stand up with much difficulty. I circle around, breathing in the smoke-filled air. _It's all too familiar. _

Not paying attention, I smack into a heavily-armored body. "Oh, sor –" I turn to see a face that I not only recognize, but _know_; the flaming red hair, on top of pale skin. _No, this isn't, no – _

That's when I look at the buildings and it all comes flooding back. There was a blinding light, and it engulfed me; it became me. That's when I woke up…here. And I know where here is now.

I have somehow been thrown into the middle of Kirkwall.

I start to run, and run, and run. I don't know what else to do. There's only one person I know I can turn to; that maybe will listen to, or even believe me.

I know this place like the back of my hand, even though I've never actually ran these streets, or passed these buildings; I _know_ where I'm going.

Darktown.

_A Friendly Face_

_Juli_

I stare up at the brightly lit lantern above the ragged, dirty doorway. "This isn't real. I'm dreaming and as soon as I walk through that door, I'll wake up and I'll be back home," I assure myself.

I push it open with much force and step into the dim light. There, in the corner, standing calmly, talking to a red-headed man in ragged clothes, is just who I was looking for. I start to sway unsteadily on my feet. _This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real, _my head chants over and over again.

He sees me, and his brows furrow. "Are you _okay_?" he questions, starting over to me.

_That voice, no. It isn't REAL. _He takes off running across the clinic when he sees me gasping for air and looking for something to support myself. _Not real, not real, not real!_

I black out just as his arms enclose me in a supporting grip.

I stir just a little on the cushioned surface I lay on. I half-expect to be waking up in my bedroom after an afternoon's nap, but when I open my eyes, I see the strange, yet familiar clinic and I fight the urge to scream.

"Oh, good…you're awake," Anders says, crossing over to me. He eyes me, concern written all over his face. "How long have you been sick? And what is it you seem to be suff-"

"I'm…not sick. This….isn't...real," I whisper, my eyes filling with burning tears. "It can't be," I say, my words inaudible to anyone but me and him.

"I assure you, this is all real…" he confirms.

"No," I cry out, burying my face in my hands. _All that time I wished to escape my world and fall into Kirkwall, dangerous and wild…it isn't real._

He smiles, resting a hand on my tired shoulder. "Do you need a place to stay?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No. Well, yes…just listen to me." His golden eyes narrow in response. "I shouldn't be here…"

"You're sick," he states.

"Not like here, in your clinic, Anders. I mean here, in….Kirkwall," I reply, my mouth forming the word Kirkwall in an odd way.

"Wait, how do you know my name?" he questions, backing away from me defensively. "Did the Wardens send you to take me back?"

I shake my head. "I'm not with the Wardens, but…I don't know if you'll believe me when I tell you this….okay," I breathe deeply. "I'm from a different…world," I start, my voice shaking with nervousness. "The thing is, I _know_ this world…that part's harder to explain – But I know you."

"Prove it," he challenges.

I sigh. _He's going to be frightened. _"Your name is Anders; this is your clinic and you help Fereldans fleeing the Blight with no thought of coin. You're sweet, and caring, but also, you have a side most people do _not_ know. You took a spirit of Justice into you, hoping to help the mages of Thedas end the injustices they face everyday. Once he was inside you, though, he changed and now you can no longer control your anger when you see the Templars," I say, everything coming out in a hurried rush.

He backs away, disbelief in his eyes. "How – how did you know that?" he demands.

"I told you," I whisper. "I _know_ you."

He bends down and looks into my eyes. "How?"

"I don't know how to put it into terms you would understand," I sigh. "It's a…game, in my world. You are _in_ it."

"A game?" he asks, his voice high.

"Of sorts."

He nods, seeming to be thinking it over. "I…believe you; as crazy as it sounds."

Without thinking, I wrap my arms around his neck happily. "I knew you would! I knew it!" I cry.

He returns the hug, reluctantly. "What's your name?" he asks after I release him and stand to my feet.

I feel my face crumble and my gaze shifts downwards when I realize I don't know. "I…don't remember. I don't remember _anything_; just a blinding light…and then being here."

He nods. "Well, what would you _like_ your name to be?" he laughs.

I laugh, too. "I don't know…what do I look like to you?" I joke, striking goofy poses as he acts like he is deep in thought.

"You look like a….Juli," he decides, nodding his head approvingly.

"Juli, it is then!" I say, enthusiastically.

I laugh to keep from crying, because in reality, I wish to know what's going on.

_Acceptance_

_Anders_

Juli looks up at me with those stunning emerald eyes of hers. It's odd, it seems as though I've known her my whole life, but that can't be possible; we only met a week ago…and yet she knows everything about me; about Justice.

And she fits in so well with our little misfit group. Hawke seems to like her, and as does Bethany, Aveline's taken to training her, Merrill has been coming to her for advice, her wit has earned Varric's approval, she gives Isabela a run for her money in Wicked Grace, and Fenris has taken to her as well; odd for the ex-slave.

She laughs. "Anders, are you listening to me?"

I look at her. "Sorry," I apologize. "I was…thinking."

"So I see." – She waits a moment – "About what?"

"Would you be offended if I said I was thinking about _you_?"

"Not at all, in fact, I'd be flattered." She puts her hand mockingly to her cheek, mimicking an embarrassed little girl.

I hold open the door to the Hanged Man for her and she waltzes though with her usual spunk. I can't help but stare after her. Her petite frame is shown-off under the simple leather armor Aveline let her borrow, and her long brown hair is braided down her back elegantly. She has a strange look about her that leaves people staring, but not in the way people stare at Isabela; it's more of a wondering stare, in which people try to figure the young girl out.

She heads up the stares and into Varric's room. She smiles and gives the dwarf a friendly hug. "Juli!" he cries.

She sits down beside Merrill, who starts chattering about her latest predicament and I lean against the doorframe. I examine Juli and the way Fenris gazes at her. _It's probably the same way I gaze at her; the same way Hawke gazes at her. She's strangely beautiful in a foreign way that nobody's seen here in Kirkwall._

"Stop brooding, Blondie and take a seat!" Varric calls.

I look at him and smile, brushing away my thoughts of Juli. I sit down beside Hawke.

"So, Juli…" Hawke starts. "Have you…remembered anything?" he asks, trying to be diplomatic, as always.

She casts her gaze downwards, folding her hands in her lap. You can plainly see the sadness and frustration in her eyes. "No…" she trails.

Hawke nods knowingly. "It's okay, Juli. It'll come to you, I'm sure."

"It may be better if it doesn't," Fenris growls from his seat in the corner.

Juli looks up at him with wonder. _The way she looks at him…_

"I know what you mean," she whispers.

Fenris raises a dark eyebrow. "We shall see…" he retorts, taking a sip from the metal mug in his hand.

Everyone has been too consumed with their own conversations to notice this exchange between Juli and Fenris, so I simply get up and leave the room. It's no secret I've never gotten along with the ex-slave and his narrow-minded, mage-hating ways; and I can't stand to watch the blossoming connection between him and Juli _now_.

_An Odd Feeling_

_Fenris_

I sit back in the heavy chair and stare into the leaping fire I started in the fireplace. I take a long chug from one of the bottles of wine I discovered in the cellar.

This woman, Juli, comes into our lives and everything has changed. She reminds me of a time when I was free; and yet that thought is absurd and impossible. I have always been a slave; never will I know the freedom I seek.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear light thudding on the bedroom doorway. I turn to see Juli, illuminated in a majestic way by the fire, standing behind me with a small smile on her face.

"Hello," she says. "I knocked…" she starts, sounding unsure of herself. "But there was no answer and people were starting to stare at me," she laughs uneasily.

Remembering my manners in the presence of beautiful women such as herself, I offer her a seat.

She nods her appreciation and she takes the seat in front of me. "No doubt Hawke has informed you of my…situation," she states.

"Um, yes," I say. "He told me that you know much about us."

"I do…more than you probably wish me to." She looks down at the floor and there's something in her eyes I can relate to: loneliness.

"…you miss your world, your home; don't you?" She nods timidly. "I would tell you a story, but I fear you already know it."

She laughs at that. "I probably do, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear it."

So I tell her my story of the Fog Warriors and escaping Danarius. Soon, one story leads to two, and two to three, and three to four, until I have relayed my whole life story to this strange woman I have come to enjoy the company of. And I realize she has sat, patient and attentive during the many hours of my whining. I apologize immediately for keeping her out so long with my incessant self-pity.

She laughs. And I hang on to it; it's like the gentle sound of a bard's magical songs.

"It isn't self-pity, Fenris. I don't think you truly pity yourself, you know. I think you have taken what you can out of your life and you've made the very best of it. I could sit here and apologize for how rough your life has been, and so could everyone else, but that's not what you want and not what you need," she states. "All you need is a friend who understands. I know how you feel, not being able to remember things…I can't either. It's frustrating as hell, and the sad thing is; I don't know if I _want_ to remember anymore. The more I remember, the more my heart aches for home, so maybe, in a way forgetting has made me better off. I'm _here_ now, aren't I? And I obviously have friends in this strange place; well maybe it isn't _so _strange…." She sighs. "But my _original _point was, remembering isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I know that you know that because of what you said at the Hanged Man yesterday; I just wanted to let you know you're _right_."

I gape at her; I know I shouldn't, but I do. She has spoken the words I have waited for someone to speak since I arrived in Kirkwall.

"I'm sorry…I've – lectured you, haven't I? I should…go, anyways...it's late and Varric's expecting my back at the Hanged Man," she stutters, standing up from the ornate chair and starting for the door.

"Juli!" I call, stopping her in her tracks. I stand to meet her. "Let me…walk you there. I don't want you to get robbed or anything," I say casually. It's lost on her, though. I can tell by the quaint smile on her brightened face that she knows I would really just like to be with her.

I lead her out into the night air and we start for the Hanged Man in a comfortable silence, allowing the night to speak_ for_ us.

_A New Beginning _

_Juli_

I am almost disappointed when Fenris and I reach the end of our long walk together. I stare at the door of the Hanged Man, not able to make myself go.

"Juli…" he says, fidgeting with a strap hanging from his gauntlets. "Thank…you."

I smile. "You're welcome, Fenris. And you can talk to me anytime you want. You know where to find me," I say soothingly. _No matter what anyone says, Fenris is not the hate-filled monster Anders would make him out to be._

He blushes slightly, looking down. It's a side of Fenris I have never known, but then again I've never actually met him in person until just recently.

I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his tanned cheek; I see the surprise enter his mysterious eyes. I walk to the door and before entering into the filthy, yet homely tavern, I give him a gentle wave.

He smiles slightly, still bewildered, and turns to go back to his Hightown mansion.

I curl up in a ball in the straw bed Varric rented for me and I give a grateful sigh. At the beginning of this week, I felt stranded and alone; I was completely puzzled by the fact I had entered this world and had no recollection of _how_ or _why_, and now I've found actual friends in the characters I had come to know and love.

I fall asleep, soundly with the thought that maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all and it's just a new beginning for me.


	2. Chapter 2

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch. 2_

_Juli_

I roll out of bed and onto the dusty wooden floor with a muted _thump_. I curse and pull myself up using the edge of my creaky bed.

It's been a week…a week in this place and still, I find it strange.

_You'd think after years of playing these games I'd have the hang of this. But, it's harder than it looks._

My arms ache from the grueling training Aveline has been putting me through and the people stare at me as though I am an alien that has beamed down into the midst of their everyday lives.

But then again, maybe I _am_ an alien; my home is in a world that seems _galaxies_ away.

I sigh just as Varric comes through the door, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "What's wrong, Killer?' he laughs. "Has this place _finally_ gotten to you?"

I smile. Varric has taken to calling me "Killer" as a joke, due to my training progress. "It takes more than landing smack-dab into a different dimension to get to me," I pitifully joke.

"Then you're tougher than you look!" he announces, giving my shoulder a friendly smack.

"Maybe so…" I say, mostly to myself.

Varric gives a weak smile. "Come on, Killer. Get dressed; we're going on…." – He leans down theatrically and whispers into my ear – "an adventure."

I laugh and shoo him out of my room so I can get ready. I manage to pull my throbbing arms through the rough leather armor Aveline leant me and I turn around to look on the undersized chest in the corner of the filthy room, where two fine blades lay in wait to be used.

They were a gift from Fenris.

I don't know if I'm quite _ready_ to use them, but I strap the dual blades securely onto my back and wiggle around, trying to get the feel for them. I snort, thinking about how ridiculous I must look.

I pull out the blades in a single, graceful movement and practice the stances and techniques Isabela showed me. I'm surprised to find my actions so fluid and natural.

"You're getting the hang of it, Sweet Cheeks," Isabela calls charmingly from the doorway.

I blush, holding the blades downward against my sides, awkwardly. "Um, hi….Isabela…I was just…"

"Practicing," she finishes. "And you're starting to understand. Keep it up," she tells me, with a soft smile.

"I – thank you," I stutter.

"Don't thank _me_, Sweet Cheeks," she retorts, turning to leave the room. I watch the back of her bandana-covered head disappear around the corner and I slip the blades onto my back with a contented sigh.

_Maybe I'm not completely hopeless, after all._

_Protection_

_Fenris_

Juli walks beside of Hawke, just ahead of Anders and me. I don't know what they speak of, and the thought of them flirting makes a feeling arise deep in the pit of my stomach that I wish to push back down.

She laughs happily. I look forward immediately and the Magesees me. "Jealous?" Anders asks, obviously amused.

"Is it any of your business if I am, _Mage_?" I spit.

He smirks. I want to reach into his chest and rip out his pathetic heart. "Maybe it is," he whispers.

I frown deeply. "Keep your thoughts to yourself from now on!" I reply forcefully.

He only shrugs. _Useless, cowardly mages; they have no place in this world._

Anders quickens his pace, catching up with Hawke and Juli. He joins in on their conversation, laughing obnoxiously to make sure I hear.

I am about to beat the mage to a pulp when I feel a soft presence lingering beside me, barely grazing my lyrium-infused skin. "Are you okay?" a warm, tender voice asks.

I turn to see her face; bright and beautiful. I nod meekly. I don't know what else to do.

She sighs. "You're upset about something," she persists. "I can tell…"

I look into her swirling green eyes that have subtle flecks of pure gold, and almost give in. "I'm fine," I bite, snapping back to reality.

She flinches, no doubt taken aback by my rude reply. "I – I'm sorry I bothered you…." she whispers, looking down. She says nothing more about the matter.

We walk in a rough silence behind Hawke and Anders. I stop paying attention to the road and am lost in deep thought, until I happen to look up at her worried face.

Then, I see the blood mages littering the path in front of us.

Her hand goes to the shining blades nestled on her back. She's obviously apprehensive, _this_ being her first fight….and against blood mages, no less.

_I _am no stranger to battle, however, and I throw an arm in front of her now-fragile-looking body and push her back, gently. She stares at me in wonder; but she listens, backing away from the mages' range.

I draw my greatsword instinctively and fly into a frenzy, the whole time my only thought about protecting _her_.

After I back away from the bloody scene, I shake my head defiantly. I protected this woman by my own accord, and for what reason? I laugh at myself inside my whirling head. _Surely, Fenris, you don't __**care**__ for this woman?_

I sheathe my sword and turn to see my companions watching me; Juli more so than the rest. She slides her hand up to her neck and grips something small that I can't see and holds her bent elbow with the other; worry paints itself onto her pale face.

_She sees right through me somehow. I don't know **how**, but she **does**…and it intrigues me. No amount of denying could change that._

"…..Fenris?" she squeaks. She sighs, turning and walking away. "I'm not even going to bother," she announces.

_This girl is too smart for her own good._

_Out of Reach_

_Anders_

I strip down out of my bloodied robes and put on new, fresh ones. I collapse onto a cot in the corner of the clinic and cross my hands across my stomach.

_I see the way Fenris looks at Juli and it **bothers** me. She is beautiful, and wild. She's…simply…**different.** _

I rub my head, unable to fathom my thoughts.

This woman appears out of nowhere with an eerie knowledge of us all; a knowledge that she shouldn't have…and in all honesty it is a mystery to everyone in our little group. It has shaken us entirely; everyone trying to find the roots of this vague girl.

But she doesn't remember _anything_, which only adds to our on-going frustration. She doesn't even remember how she got here, besides a blinding light; and that means we don't know how to get her _back_.

At times, I see her sweet smile and the way she speaks and I truly believe she doesn't _want_ to go back, but at others she looks so sad, and completely lost.

In truth, we don't know _what_ to think of her.

I roll over and face the wall; it stares back at me with lifeless eyes. Her stay here, although only a week, has been a memorable one…and a part of me hopes she'll be here for much longer. She brings beauty and life to this dull place; a beauty and life I feel as though I've known. It's like a distant memory that's clouded and dream-like, but _there_,nevertheless. It fills me up in lonely moments like these when I feel as though I could fade into the scenery with no thoughts of returning to my life here in Kirkwall.

I don't know how I manage, but I break through my grinding thoughts and fall into a restless sleep.

_A Visit with a Friend_

_Juli_

I follow behind Merrill as she leads me through the crowded Alienage. "It's always so crowded," she whines, her voice undeniably sweet.

I look from face to face of the sickly-looking elves. _Never could I have imagined the Alienage as such a place. _Merrill chats with an elderly Elven woman; I hang behind, my arms crossed tightly to my chest… as if I make myself small enough…I may disappear.

I feel a gentle tug on the edge of my armor and I look down to find a small girl's brown, saucer-eyes staring up at me. I squat down and smile at her. "What is it?" I coo.

I see the overwhelming look of loss and defeat cross her face and her child-like eyes become tearful. "They took my mama!" she cries. "No one will listen to me! But they DID!"

I look back at Merrill who is still talking and too distracted to see me. "Where's your…." - I hesitate, making sure I use the right word - "um, papa?"

"Dead….." she whispers, her small voice cracking pitifully. She collapses into my arms, crying a river and sending ragged currents flowing down her cheeks and onto the wilted collar of her tattered clothing.

"No, sweetie, don't cry….it's okay, don't cry," I comfort her.

"Atisha, da'len," Merrill cries, taking the child from my arms.

The child wipes her running nose on the sleeve of her shirt as she sniffles and whimpers. She relays her tale to Merrill, whose eyes grow wide with sympathy. "Oh, da'len," Merrill sighs. "Go talk to Nemie; she will help you." The child nods and runs off into the distance. "Come on, Juli," Merrill murmurs hurriedly, taking my arm.

I follow obediently all the way to her home, where she invites me in. I sit down in my usual seat at the worn table. "That's it?" I ask after a moment.

"That's it, _what_?" Merrill questions.

"That child…her mother was…taken! And we aren't going to look for her…or _something_?"

_This happens where I'm from, too. But there are people who help. They look for the missing people…what are they called?_

I rack my brain for the name of those people. I search deep inside, but every time it seems as though I have it in my grip – it slips away like a bar of wet soap.

"As much as I would _love_ to help that little girl…I can't – _we_ can't." I know she sees my appalled look and she works to explain. "This kind of stuff happens all the time here, Juli. It's a way of life…"

I shake my head. "It shouldn't be," I say, determined to break through to this girl.

"I know that, Juli…" she whispers.

I sigh and lean back, my arms crossed firmly in front of me. "So, what? You know it's wrong, but you won't even _try _to fix it?"

She looks down. "There's nothing I can do…"

"No, I don't believe that, and you don't either. Do you?" She hesitates. "You do, don't you?" I stand to leave. "I'm going to go find Hawke," I announce.

"Juli –"

I walk out the door, with no thought of how defenseless I'll be hunting Hawke down.

I storm into Anders' clinic. "Where's Hawke?" I demand.

"Why?" Anders asks, looking up from his current patient.

"A little girl's mother was stolen! STOLEN!" I scream. People in the clinic turn and stare at me; I brush them aside. "Merrill thinks there's '_nothing we can do'_! But, you know what? I think there _is_."

His eyes hold something I haven't seen in awhile: respect.

"He's probably at home, in Hightown."

"Then, I'm going to Hightown," I announce.

"I'll go with you," he smiles.

_A Scene in Hightown_

_Juli_

Sometimes I wonder what these men see in me. Fenris, Anders, Hawke; they're all captivated. For some reason my mind leads me to an odd conclusion. Somehow, through the games, a part of me has been engraved into their minds and I hold a familiarity to them. And judging by the way Anders stares at me with the eyes of a puppy, I think that maybe _feelings_ have been left behind as well.

It's just a theory, anyways…maybe not my _best _one.

I sigh, memorizing the rhythmic sound of mine and Anders' footsteps echoing on the dirtied stone walkways. He quickens his pace. "So, what do you expect Hawke to do, exactly?" he questions.

"Find her. Stop this. I don't know," I retort, busy concentrating on my mission – getting to Hawke. "It seems he fixes everything around her, no?"

Anders nods.

I keep my gaze held forward, and he stops his incessant questions. _And here I used to __**sympathize**__ with him._

I reach the door of Hawke's mansion – familiar and haunting – and I bang on it, causing short, hollow _thumps. _

Anso answers my perpetual knocking. "Serah Juli," he says, his Dwarven-arms outstretched fondly.

"Tell Hawke we're here," I state. He nods, letting us into the front room of the majestic mansion.

Hawke comes down in rich robes of a scarlet red and he smiles, his dark eyes lighting up. "Juli…Anders…what a surprise," he calls. "Come in, come in."

I follow him into the high-ceilinged main hall and he hugs me warmly. "I need to talk to you," I start.

"About what, Juli?" he asks, his tone light-hearted.

"Can you get a little girl's mother back?" I blurt out hurriedly.

He blinks, stunned. "This is about the little elf-girl in the Alienage? Don't look so surprised, Merrill was _quite_ upset you stormed off like you did and… undoubtedly she found me first." – He leans against the writing desk at the far end of the room – "I want to help, Juli…I do. But it just doesn't work that way."

"Why not?" I demand. "Why can't you help a small child? You flit about helping OTHER people!"

He closes his eyes dejectedly. "I don't know anything about _your _world, Juli; but in _mine_ – in _ours_…we don't simply go after every lost mother, father and child. These things happen. I _want_ to, Juli, but I have my hands full at the moment."

"Then _I'll _go," I say defiantly.

"And get yourself _killed_? I don't think so," he dismisses.

I sigh. _He's right._ "Well, have it your way Hawke…"

I storm out of the mansion, with Anders hot on my heels. "Juli!" he calls when I am out in the fresh, Kirkwall air.

"What, Anders?" I snap.

"I just wanted to say how much I respect you for –"

"I don't care, okay! I didn't _achieve anything_, so it doesn't matter!" I scream. _I'm tired of his careless words and tortured eyes._

"What is this all about?" he questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Do you want to know what this is all about? Your persistent questioning! And how hard you try to get on everyone's good-side! It's infuriating, bothersome, _maddening_!" I scream.

Deep down inside me something burns with intensity.

It's a memory.

_My mother slams down the pot she has been washing. "You can't just run away from reality!" she screams._

_I lean against the wall with a cool confidence. "I can try," I murmur with a rebellious tone filling my voice._

"_Why do you always have to have some smart comment! Can you not keep your mouth shut and **listen** for god's sake!"_

_I look down. Fight, after fight…eventually it gets old; constant yelling that ends in frustrating nights locked in my room._

_She suddenly lunges forward and is in my face, yelling about my "responsibilities around here" with heated emotion._

"_Whatever, Mom," I snap, pushing past her angry expression that holds me rooted to my spot. I don't look back, I don't even think. I run outside and start down the street, warmth radiating off the pavement. _

_I shake with utter hopelessness; the fear of my mother and me never getting along. _

_I sit down on the sidewalk, wrapping my arms around my knees. Regardless of the comforting heat floating up from the ground my body is chilled to the bone._

_I see a bird in the distance…it flies above me in circular motions. It is a black shadow…and yet, in that shadow I find an eerie familiarity that frightens me. _

_I shudder._

_Suddenly, the bird is tail spinning out of the sky, farther and farther it comes…I realize it's heading straight…for me! I try to move, but my feet are cinderblocks I have no strength to lift. I try to scream, but no air reaches my lungs. _

_The bird is close enough for me to see its majestic body. It's blood-red and its wings are like flames sprouting from its sturdy body._

_It's inches from my face when…_

"Nothing," I whisper. I look up at Anders.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I realize I'm on the ground, shivering from an unknown source of coldness. I scramble to my feet and look into his eyes with all the might I can muster up. "I'm fine," I say, turning. My feet start to move without commands from my brain. "Don't follow me!" I yell back at him.

Suddenly, a walk turns into a run and I'm sprinting through Hightown. It doesn't take me long to realize where my flying feet are taking me.

I pound on the door of Fenris' mansion. I pound and pound and pound.

He opens it with a mix of terror and rage on his face. "What in the –" he stops; seeing the look of pure dread in my eyes. "Juli?" he whispers.

I throw myself into his arms, ready to give into the tears, but I don't waste my time on tears that will do nothing but hinder me.

"Fenris…" I whisper, burying my head into his muscular chest.

"What happened?" he asks softly.

I don't know where to begin, so I don't. I just cling to him for the security I am hoping to find.

"You remembered, didn't you?" he whispers. I can feel his lips against my hair and I nod. "I could tell the moment I looked into your eyes," he continues. "It is the look I see in my own…everyday of my life…" I hold onto him, still. His arms embrace me with a softness I have yet to see in this escaped slave.

_Everyone is so different here than I originally imagined. They are people – with feelings now. Some tender, some bothersome, some inspiring, some childish…it doesn't matter. These aren't video game characters to be toyed with. These are living, breathing human beings. _

"Maybe you should come in…" Fenris backs into his home, closing the door behind us. I am finally forced to let go as he leads me up to his room, where I know I will open up my wounded heart to him.


	3. Chapter 3

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch. 3_

_Juli_

"Do you wish to talk about it?" Fenris asks, sitting down across from me.

In all honesty, I do want to tell him, but I can't. Every time I open my mouth to speak, the memory rushes forward, smacking me in the face and suddenly, I am forced to relive it with a sinisterly vivid picture of the bird with its fiery feathers tainting my troubled mind.

And despite all efforts, I can't seem to figure it all out. Was it truly a memory? Or did my mind somehow conjure up this mythical-looking bird to further my insanity?

Questions dance like clumsy fairies in my brain, bumping into one another and screaming their opinions all at the same time, as if I can't hear them loud-and-clear already.

_It's official; I have lost all of my sanity to this place._

My whole left side aches with an unbearable pain that causes my breathing to become burdened and unnatural. It's as if something large and weighty has slammed into my body and I don't remember it at all.

Could it be the recollection of the bird causing me pain? Or something else entirely?

I support my head firmly in my hands. It's a great deal for the thin shred that remains of my working mind to handle.

To distract myself from all the haunting questions I focus on the faint smell of smoke that floats from the crackling fire beside us. It's a familiar, secure smell and I can allow myself to be comforted by it. It reminds me of something…..something….

A seemingly faraway voice calls out to me with words I don't understand. The tone is soft and memorable. It touches something inside my soul and I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming.

It is a voice that I know well.

"…Mom?" Tears threaten to spill over and crash down onto the indistinguishable floor.

Fenris looks at me with sudden concern. "What?"

I look up and concentrate on his gaze. It is obvious he thinks I've lost it…and maybe I have.

The voice calls again and it echoes compellingly throughout the mansion. "Do you hear that?" My voice sounds weak and vulnerable, and full of hurt.

"I don't hear anything..." Fenris's eyes scrutinize me.

"It's my mom!" I assure him. "It has to be."

I realize now the dreamlike quality that defines the room and it sends unwanted chills down my spine.

The room seems to tilt dangerously and Fenris becomes nothing more than a distorted blob of dark gray and white. I turn sharply, just in time to see the fire thoughtlessly leap out of its confines and lick the wooden furniture with its flaming tongue.

The huge wardrobe in the corner of the room melts into a puddle of brown stickiness that oozes toward me. The chair I sit on collapses into a heap on the floor, sending my already-sore body crashing down along with it.

_What's going on?_

My eyes close tightly, and I breathe deeply, wishing it all away. But within the darkness behind my eyelids the voice grows louder. It calls out sweet words that, to me, have no meaning at all. The voice just pulses with a rhythmic beat that eerily reminds me of the soft pounding of a heart.

_Is that actually **my** heart I hear?_

Everything melts together so oddly, as if the world around me is nothing more than a water-color painting and someone has decided to pour immense cups of water onto the paper, sending the paint running off the edges and into murky puddles on the floor.

I can't be sure, but I think I scream.

Liberation fills my heart when I open my eyes again and nothing is left of the melting world. But Fenris stares at me, his eyebrows high on his forehead. "I need to go…" I stammer.

As soon as my feet hit the floor, ready for me to bolt, I sway and I start to fear that everything is still tilted and before long the fire will leap out and devour us all.

"I don't think you're in the condition –"

"I'm FINE!" I bite. Fenris sucks in a sudden breath.

With my rude statement still hanging awkwardly in the air, causing a thick tension to grow between Fenris and me, I hurriedly tear my way out of the chaotic mansion. After I step outside I realize the smell of smoke lingers in my hair like a ghostly companion and a sour taste fills my mouth.

Without warning, the tears finally spill over and flow silently down my face.

I can't help but feel emptiness inside me after facing what I just did. I _know_ that was my mother's voice calling to me…

But that's impossible, isn't it?

_Fenris_

Her screams still echo throughout this empty shell of a mansion. It fills the space around me and drives me to the deepest depths of my mind...and yet everything seems so foggy and distorted. It's as if I cannot think for five straight minutes without becoming burdened with troubling fatigue.

What is becoming of me?

_Juli_

My leather boots smack hard against the pavement, sending loud echoes throughout the darkened night. My calves ache intensely and my throat burns like a great fire.

_Fire…_

I force my legs to carry my body away from this place.

But is it truly an escape I'm wishing for; even though I know I won't find one?

I realize I can't go on like this, running through the chilled night in Hightown with thieves and criminals lurking about in the shadows; I'm only making myself vulnerable. So, I slam to a sudden halt, ramming my body up against a cool stone wall. My breathing is deep and ragged, sending shudders down my body with every raspy inhale.

The night begins to close in upon me. It threatens to suffocate me; cut off the little air I have left.

_Why is everything so blurred? _

I force myself to blink, over and over, but the blurriness stays put. I sink to the ground, my knees drawn to my chest. Tears tug at the corner of my eyes, but I refuse to let them come.

The world around me is beginning to dissipate.

My only wonder is: What happens when there is nothing left but me and my failing mind?

_Fenris_

"Get up," I command, looking down at Juli's frail body resting on the ground beneath a stone wall.

Her eyes open sleepily and she murmurs something inaudible.

"Get up, or I will have to carry you."

Great pressure pushes against the walls of my head, causing me to sway on my feet. _Maybe I won't be carrying her after all_.

"Just go away!" Her feet flail out in all directions and one makes contact with my knee. I fall to the ground.

"Juli!" My voice rings out into the night, with only the sigh of the wind to answer me. Cursing the world; cursing the situation, I move closer and put my face directly in front of hers. "Please," I beg. "Please….come." The words sound damaged and tired in my ears.

Her head shakes fiercely. "I want to go home…." she says, her voice small and vulnerable.

"I don't know how to get you home!" If I did, I would let her go….

"That isn't fair…" she whispers, her eyes closing.

Those dark eyelashes of hers reflect off her pale skin with such extremity that I don't realize what she has said at first. "What isn't fair?" The words ricochet in my head. "It isn't fair I can't get you back?"

"No….the other thing."

But, I didn't say anything else…..did I? "….I think we should get out of the night air, Juli."

"No."

"Why are you being so impossible!" _Why can't she simply allow me to take her to safety?_

"Because…it wouldn't be reasonable."

"Reasonable? Juli, you're coming with me." As soon as I bend down to pick up her petite body, she spins away from me. "Juli!"

"Stay away from me." Quickly, she gets to her feet and takes off at full speed.

I watch after her, helplessly, as she fades into the night – leaving me with a great feeling of loneliness that haunts my every cell.

_Juli_

The Hanged Man is particularly noisy as I crash through the door, but I send silent thanks up to the heavens that everyone is much too drunk to notice me.

Except Varric.

He sees me immediately and I can tell by the troubled look upon his face that I must be a sight to see. My legs have no more energy to run, so I simply weave my way through the tables and patrons with clumsy motions.

The dim light plays with my eyes, giving everything an orange, glowing tint that makes my head ache. This, added with the noise of the laughing roars that float to my ears, makes me dizzy.

Much to my relief, I make it to the steps in the far end and manage up them one at a time.

For once, I am grateful for the little room placed in the corner of the Hanged Man's upstairs. I double-check that I lock the door behind me, and then, with a heavy sigh I fall into the bed face-first.

Although I know wishing this all away is for the utterly desperate, I do it anyways.

I plead with whoever-the-hell is running this show to be merciful and let me die in here with the rats that scurry about on the floor below me.

But, my luck isn't known for being the most dependable.

This horrible sickness becomes heightened and I feel as though I have the worst fever ever.

I begin to think that maybe Anders can help me – but somewhere deep inside a malicious voice taunts me with the inevitable answer I have known from the start: No one can help me….but myself.


	4. Chapter 4

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch.4_

_Juli_

With my face buried deep into the rough sheets that lay across the dirtied little bed, I force myself to breathe in and out as steaming breath pushes itself in response back against my face.

A deep moldy smell fills my nostrils with every inhale. It's the kind of mold that circulates throughout the lonely attics packed full to the brim with old, mismatched things that scare your little 6-year-old self to death when you're forced to face the door that you would believe leads to your certain demise.

I stifle a moan. My every cell aches with an intensity I have never known.  
Up until now, my health has been perfectly fine. Could it be that my body has finally caught up with this sudden burst of sheer insanity and it's slowly falling apart along with my mind?

_Who's to say it isn't?_

A knock on my door sounds far away and too sharp for my ears

.  
"Go away!" I throw something towards the noise without looking. I don't even know if it hits the door, and quite frankly I don't care. This sudden fog that has overtaken my body and soul has driven me to my wits end and I can't stand to face anyone at this moment of vulnerability.

It has all changed so abruptly and without any warning at all. This world had just started to become home; familiar and warm, but now...it's all shifted. In the air all around me lingers a ghostly smell that is just strong enough to tempt my senses. And despite my persistent thinking, I can't place the sour scent.

The weirdest thing of all is that the people have begun to fade together. They melt into one big mess of colors and textures. I can't stand to look at them, so I have locked myself in my room at the Hanged Man.

I bite my lip with such force that it almost makes me yelp in surprise. There's absolutely no denying that I feel lost and confused...even more so than when I got here.

To make matters worse everyone is starting to drift away. They no longer see me and smile, instead they look at me with expressions that convince me of how crazy I must be.  
And the oddest thing of all? I can't seem to find the energy to care.

All I wish to know is what's happening to me...to this world?

_Anders_

"Do you think she's okay?"

Hawke shifts through the books before him, searching for something we both know he'll never find: an answer.

"I don't know," he grumbles.

Last time I talked to Juli, she sat on her bed, hugging a small white pillow and she murmured on and on about a smell...and everything being blurry. My heart aches for her, and I don't even know why.

Perhaps it's because I've never seen anyone be so far away, while sitting right there in front of me. Or maybe it's because she is convinced we all hate her – which couldn't be further from the truth.

But we continue to ask ourselves: why. Why is she here? And why WERE we so willing to trust her. I remember the moment she burst into the clinic, pale and exhausted. It had all seemed forced...unlike myself at all.

_But why?_

_Juli  
_

Another knock at my door. Something else is thrown.  
The smell is becoming stronger, it brews inside me until I feel as though I will hurl - or, much rather, die.

_Fenris_

It's all worse. Everything is fading. Does anyone else see what I am seeing?

The world tilts on edge and people blur together until they are nothing more than insignificant blobs in the background of this twisted painting.

What is happening to all of us?

We fight and fight and fight for no reason at all! The world is surely crumbling down around us.

_2 weeks later_

_Juli_

My eyes flit open...slowly, everything comes into view. It's all blurry, but soon I can see the small chest in the corner of the room with two familiar, shining objects poised upon it, the dusty floor that seems to be beyond filthy, and the door...it's propped open just a bit with a squeaky little mouse going to and fro between in here – and out there.

Footsteps scurry away.

I don't notice right away, but when my feet hit the floor with a muted thud, I take a deep breath...and the smell is gone. For once, I am almost grateful for the Hanged Man's toxic scent of ale mixed gruffly together with sweat and vomit.

And everything seems sturdy and in place.

As I rise, my spine popping rudely, it feels as though I've slept for a lifetime.

"Juli...?" a deep voice calls from behind me. I know who it is. Oh, yes I know...and I don't wish to turn around and face those dark eyes – not yet.

So, I don't say anything. Better for them to think I'm mute as well as crazy.

"I know you can speak," Fenris growls.

"Do you, now? Tell me more of how you know everything of me." I spin round angrily and am faced with hollowness. This is not the face of an elf – it is the face of a ghost; a demon... His eyes are deep, white holes inside his head and I can see through him to the wall behind us. The lyrium tattoos that mark his skin glow crimson and bold, causing dangerous shivers up my spine. "Fenris?" As soon as I speak, I know I shouldn't have.

His face opens up violently into a gaping black hole and with a rush of air and a deep howling, the emptiness whirls forward to engulf me into its void of fear and pure nothingness.

Screams mix in the air with the deep howls...I think they are mine. Something inside me tries to force my body to flee, but just like in that memory that seems so far away….my legs are rooted to the ground.

I try to breathe, but the air is too thick, and it's useless; like trying to breathe water. I am about to give in as this demon begins to suck the life out of me, when a voice comes from above us. It floats throughout the room, causing everything to disappear as soon as its purity touches it.

It's the voice of an angel...or an elf. Whichever is more suitable.

"Fenris!?" I bolt straight up in the bed, causing my neck to crack audibly with disturbing force.

Almost as though he has been rooted to the spot, he only turns his head to glance at me from where he sits in the corner of the dirty room, his leg crossed over his knee; exhaustion makes up his whole demeanor.

Neither of us says a word, we just sit here, staring at each other.

"What happened?" I finally ask, breaking the thin, glass-like silence. I notice the smell is indeed gone, just as in my dream. And there is a brightness to the whole room.

"I wish I knew..." is all he says, resting his chin in his palm.

"How long have I been out of it?" I fear the answer.

"Out of it, as in sleeping? Or out of it, as in crazy? I do not know the second one."

Annoyance and spite drip from his words like poison and I suddenly wish to know what has happened to make him want to speak this way. "Sleeping..." I confirm with haughtiness.

"Two weeks, on and off."

His answers are short and forced. I suck in my cheeks, fighting off the anger. "Thank you so much for all the explanations!" I flare. I try to storm off angrily, but when my feet hit the floor, so do I. My legs are useless and numb from being curled up in a restless sleep for much too long.

I growl in frustration at my failed attempt. But, Fenris immediately wraps his arms around my waist and lifts me back up and onto the foot off the bed like it is nothing. He murmurs something forcefully in a foreign language.

I chose to ignore it...for now.

"I...apologize. It has been...odd while you slept."

"You're telling me." My voice cracks pathetically and I cross my arms over my chest and fight to hold back tears.

He looks down, and back up to me. With a sigh, he leaves the room.

Everything may not be back to normal as I originally thought.

When I finally work up the courage to go into Varric's room, my fears are realized when the whole group looks up at me. Their eyes flare and they stop mid-sentence to watch me scurry across the room and bundle up in a corner.

I take in their sweaty, pale faces and their wary demeanors. I wish to know what's been going on since I left the world of the living.

What if they were affected, too?

"Juli…" Merrill chirps, her voice sad.

No words come out of my mouth in reply to her pleading eyes.

"Look," Hawke says, almost growling. "We have a problem."

My heart sinks drastically to the ground as my lungs fight to stay put and continue taking in precious air. "What's wrong?" I croak, sounding like a defenseless child.

"Since you fell ill….weird things have begun to happen. We all began to feel…a sense of illness, but we never got to the point you were. And now, there is…someone," – he sighs – "in the city. She….is looking for you."

"For _me_?" I gasp.

Everyone's eyes shift downwards; they refuse to look at me. "Yes," Hawke nods. His light eyes grow dark as he looks at me, challenging me to a battle of sorts. "Juli; I want to know here and now: who would be looking for you? If we are to trust you, you _have_ to tell us your past – or what you remember of it."

Breath heaves in and out of my lungs. "I don't know!" A sob racks my body, and I bite my lip gruffly to prevent tears from leaving my eyes. The metallic taste of blood fills my hot mouth. "I can't remember…"

They all let out an exasperated sigh. "Let the woman have her," a voice calls from behind me.

I turn to see Anders – worse for wear. Dark circles line his reddening eyes, he seems thinner than when I last saw him, and he shakes like someone who is having some form of drug with-drawls. And the worst part is, he smells sour and rotting; just like that haunting smell from not-so-long-ago.

"Anders?" As soon as my voice hits the air, it fizzles out – losing whatever force it may have had.

He silences me with his hand, not even glancing my way. "Enough. This girl has caused things we can't explain, Hawke – you said it yourself."

"That doesn't give you a right to throw me to the wolves! I have no idea what's going on either!" Anger fills me and hardens my heart. _No longer will I tolerate this mage._

"You say you don't, but how do we know you're telling the truth?" He finally turns to look me in the eye for the first time since he arrived. "How?"

I stand up – making my body as strong and tall as it possibly can look. "Because I _am_ telling the truth! Why would I lie about a sickness that affected me the worst!? If I had an explanation I would give it to you in hopes that it would cure _me_!" My voice echoes throughout the tiny room in a jagged rhythm. _How could he threaten me this way? Was it my outburst outside of Hawke's mansion? Curse my big mouth. _

My rant seems to be enough, as he answers it with a heavy intake of breath and storms off. I collapse back down in the corner and shake uncontrollably. _This isn't right; it just isn't._

"Well…" Varric breathes. "That was awkward."

I ignore him. I ignore everyone. Suddenly, the only thing I want to do is go home.

Wherever that may be.

_Anders_

It's more than I can handle anymore – I am beginning to regret ever trusting her.

To make matters worse, I can no longer heal due to this sickness.

She must be disposed of. Then, everything will be back to normal.

….Hopefully.

_Fenris_

Juli pushes a chair out of her way and storms off to her room.

I can't help but feel badly for her – that mage was _way_ out of line.

"Should someone go talk to her?" Merrill asks timidly.

"I'll do it," I offer, standing up.

They all laugh in amusement at my obvious eagerness. I roll my eyes and leave, going to Juli's room.

"Juli?" I knock on the door. A muffled groan floats to my ears from the other side. "I'm coming in." The door swings open, as if on cue and Juli stands there, anger filling her emerald eyes.

She turns sharply and I follow her. Her body makes a light _thump _as she crashes onto the bed. The silence that hangs in the room is much too breakable. "Do _you _trust me?" she finally asks, breaking that silence.

In all honesty, I do. But at the same time, I do not. _But how can I tell her that?_ "I do," I say at last.

"Why?"

"Why…do I trust you?" Her question is odd, and something to make me think. I try to come up with an appropriate answer as her eyes stare pleadingly into mine. The white pillow she hugs to her chest wrinkles around the spot where her arm applies a deathly pressure. "I wish I could give you the answer you seek…"

She puffs out her cheeks and flies backwards onto the bed with a groan.

"I don't know why I trust you, Juli….I don't know why any of us do. Do you not agree that we shouldn't? Wouldn't it be the normal reaction to turn away from a girl who shows up out of nowhere and knows everything about you? So, I could ask you the same. Why _do _we trust you?"

My statement seems to help her a little bit, because she sits up and looks deep into my eyes. "Why doesn't Anders? He was the first to trust me…and now…" It seems as though her tears finally get the best of her, but she pushes them down just before they leak out of her tired eyes.

"He is a mage," is all I can say.

A somewhat pitiful laugh escapes from her mouth. And a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. "Who is this woman looking for me?" her voice is dark and deadly. It is full of fear.

The candle beside us flickers gently and creates a beautiful glow. I wish it would swallow me up, and prevent all of this from happening. "She is beautiful and terrifying. But…." I don't know how to finish.

"I want to see her. I want to see her – and talk to her. I need to know why she's after me, Fenris."

"Is that wise?" _Because it sure doesn't sound like it is._

She shrugs. "Maybe not. But I want it to be just me and you. No Hawke, no Varric, no Merrill, NO ANDERS, no anyone."

What makes me agree to it? I don't know, but I do.

_Juli_

The night is deathly quiet except for our footsteps that echo against the hard-packed dirt ground.

In the distance is a woman, shrouded in a dark cloak. It's too dark for me to see anything about her face, especially with the hood she wears. I am suddenly afraid. I don't want to talk to this woman.

Fenris must see my fear and he takes my hand in his. It's nice and comfortable; like that's where my hand belongs.

The woman sees us and I can make out a deep growling laughter. Chills run down my spine and I shudder.

"Nice of you to come," the figure purrs when we get close enough to hear clearly.

I grimace at the smell that radiates of off her. It is that smell I know so well. It brings back unwanted memories of sickness…and Anders. "What do you want from me?" I challenge.

Another grimy laugh hangs in the air. "I want nothing more than you, yourself…." Her voice is rough and chilling – like long fingernails running down a chalkboard.

"What do you mean? Did someone hire you?" I demand. Fenris gives my hand a squeeze and sighs uncomfortably. His jaw line is set in a tight, definite line. He is obviously as uneasy about this as I am.

_Was this a good idea? _

"No," is all the woman says.

"Then who are you?"

"Everyone – no one."

"What?"

There is no reply after that. She simply looks on at us, her wicked smirk visible in the shadows. "You wish to know who I am, one-who-doesn't-remember?" she challenges, raising her hands to her hood.

Bangles jingle on her thin wrists as she pulls back her hood. The smell immediately smacks me square in the face and I put a hand to my mouth to prevent vomit from coming up.

The face that stares back at me is not the face of a beautiful woman as I had pictured, instead it is rotting and lopsided.

The left side of her face droops down in a haphazard fashion, her skin is dark and grey with great bubbling boil-like things scarring the surface – it seems as though someone threw acid on her and now, as consequence, her face is melting gruesomely.

But, the scariest part is her eyes. They are a deep crimson and glow ever-so-slightly. The color is too close to that of fresh blood for my comfort.

But, despite her grotesque appearance, I feel as though I have seen her before. If I had seen her before…you'd think I would remember her with a face like this.

She laughs, amused. "Don't worry, girl…your time will come. Soon, you will join me."

With that cryptic statement still hanging in the balance, she simply disappears.

Fenris growls softly and stares at where the melting woman once stood. It's all I can do not to scream.

"You said she was beautiful…" I cry out, hitting him in the arm. "I don't know what your concept of beauty is, but that is not it!"

"She was lovely when she came to us. Dark-skinned, with flowing black hair…her eyes were richly brown with flicks of soft gold. Her voice was enchanting." He shakes his head in disbelief.

"Well…that isn't who she is now."

Together, we hurry back to the Hanged Man before anyone realizes we're gone.

Together, Fenris and I sit on my bed and try to forget the sickening woman.

"What are we going to do?" I ask desperately.

"Kill her?" Fenris offers, pulling at a stray string that hangs off the sheets.

"Somehow I don't imagine it will be that easy."

He shrugs. "Everything's killable."

"Maybe so, but still…What did she mean '_Soon, you will join me'_? Is she undead or something….and she's going to kill me?" My stomach drops at the thought of that. Nobody wants to die so soon, especially when you aren't even in your own world. _If I died here…would I return to home?_

"I am not certain….if she wants you dead, why didn't she attack you then?" He poses a very good question.

"None of this makes sense. None of it!" I yell.

I let my body fall back onto the bed and Fenris lays a cool hand on my exposed leg. "I'm sorry….I will do my best to help…"

"You don't have to."

He looks into my eyes with great concern. Looking down he says, "No, but I _want _to."

The way he says it makes me blush.

_Maybe I'm being a silly girl…but that sounds pretty nice to me_.


	5. Chapter 5

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch. 5_

_Juli_

_Have you ever thought about something so much that after hours of pondering that exact same subject, it becomes surreal – like it isn't even physically possible for such a thought to exist?_

_I have._

"What is it?" Hawke asks, his eyes narrowing at Fenris and me. The finely-built man stands in the doorway to his mansion, his hair ruffled and the belt on his robe tied in a lop-sided fashion – revealing a muscular chest.

"We need to talk…..really," I assure. Flashes of the ghastly woman play through my mind like a horror movie…over and over again.

A heavy sigh exits his body and he moves aside, allowing room for us to come in. Once inside, the fireplace radiates its comforting warmth into me. The high ceilings loom above us, with dancing shadows from the roaring light cast onto its surface.

I realize Fenris has already begun telling Hawke about our idiotic plan that may or may not have backfired – it all depends on how you look at it, I suppose. But it's obvious he's upset, so I sit down beside the fire and wrap my shaking arms around my knees.

Chills run down my spine, regardless of the heat source directly beside me. _This was a bad idea. All of it._

"Rotting? Like her flesh was rotting?" Hawke looks at me, questioning the reason of it all.

"It was….horrible," is all I can say.

He rubs the bridge of his nose as he leans up against the writing desk. "What does it all mean?"

Fenris shrugs and paces the length of the ornate rug on the floor. "Who knows? Did someone hire her? Does she want Juli dead?"

I can't bring myself to listen to their ideas that float to life in the room. I'm too busy picturing her….face. It's so familiar….but how….?

"What do you think?" Fenris asks me.

"Hell if I know. Maybe I don't _want_ to know."

They both stare at me, puzzled. But, I do not offer any more of my twisted reasoning.

Hawke's mabari – Warrior – comes and lays his heavy head in my lap. Gently, I stroke his soft beige fur. How nice it must be: to not have the worries of us humans. "I don't suppose you know anything about it, boy?" I whisper into his ear. Fenris and Hawke continue to discuss the matter and they pay no mind to me.

Warrior whines in response, snuggling deeper into my lap.

"Maker, Fenris, I know this is a problem and everything. I just don't have time to deal with it right now! I have Anders pestering me to throw Juli out, Merrill begging me not to, and to top it all off – I have Meredith and Orsino breathing down my neck. I swear those two can't get along for one measly second!" Hawke slams a heavy fist on the desk. "I just don't know what _I _can do. I'll talk to Varric; have him find out who this woman is."

"It will have to do," Fenris sighs. The attention is turned to Warrior and me sitting by the fire.

"Are _you_ okay?" Hawke questions, sitting down in the wooden chair beside me. The firelight dances off his tanned face.

I shrug my shoulders and continue to pet Warrior. But, I see they need more explanation than that to sate their curiosity. "I…am fine."

"That is a lie," Fenris growls, moving closer to me.

"I have no reason to lie." Though, I truly do. I just don't want them coddling me.

"Juli…" he warns.

"Stop it, Fenris! I'm FINE."

His eyes flare with anger as he squeezes his fists by his side. "Suit yourself."

Hawke rubs his beard tensely. "Well…um…anyways…now that _that_ has been…more or less…taken care of…"

We both shoot him an offended glare. "Yeah, right. Whatever…" I murmur under my breath.

"You really shouldn't risk going back to the Hanged Man, Juli. Just in case _she's_ out there and has reinforcements this time," Hawke says. He pats my hand assuredly. "You can stay here, if you like." An amused smile plays across his mouth as he adds, "Or you could stay with Fenris."

Fenris blushes and I laugh. I really don't know why I laugh, but I do. Maybe it is the fact Fenris's cheeks are painted scarlet with embarrassment.

"Thanks…" Fenris sighs, slamming down on the floor beside me. His face softens a bit, and he stares into my eyes with a feeling I think he has never known: concern – for someone other than himself. "You_ can_, though…"

I'm instantly afraid if I go with him, something may happen….something I do not want.

But…I go anyways. Truth be told, I feel safer with Fenris.

"I'll go with you," I decide. He smiles, obviously satisfied.

And together, we walk to his mansion.

_Fenris_

"Are you hungry…thirsty?" I ask Juli. She shakes her head and rubs the arm of the chair nervously. "….are you…okay?"

"Mmm…" she replies, nodding slightly.

Beside me sits a bottle of wine and I take a deep swig. "Do you want some?" I offer when I see her looking towards me, her eyes large and dark.

"No."

I sigh. _What does it take to make this girl happy?_

Although, I shouldn't be complaining. I haven't exactly treated her well since she got here….and some rotting lady _is_ trying to kill her. "I'm sorry." The words fall out of my mouth in a hurried rush.

Her lips pull into a tight line. "For what?"

"For hurting you."

"You didn't hur –"

"Yes, I did. And I am sorry."

For a moment, silence falls between us and she simply looks to the floor. "Thank you…" she says finally.

"You do not have to thank me."

"But I do," she sighs. She folds her hands in her lap and smiles up at me. It is a beautiful smile full of warmth and forgiveness.

I don't know what else to say, so I remain silent. Then, I realize she's still in armor and probably doesn't want to sleep in it. "Do you want something to sleep in?" I blurt.

She gives a slight nod in response. Remembering that when I searched the mansion after we cleared out all the demons I had found a large chest full of night clothes – probably for higher-ranking servants; not slaves – I motion for her to follow me.

When I lead her into a room on the lower level and open the chest, she runs a hand over the soft fabrics. "They're like silk…" she laughs.

"You can have whichever one you like. I don't have a need for them."

"Thank you, Fenris," she whispers. She grabs up a fine blue night-dress and before she turns to leave, she plants a soft kiss on my cheek.

My hand drifts to the place her lips had met my skin and I marvel after her.

_This woman is going to rid me of all sanity before it's over. You watch and see._

_Juli_

I slip the night-dress over my head and wiggle around, letting the soft fabric graze my skin. It feels nice to be in something so soft and flowing in comparison to that rough armor.

When I exit the room, I see Fenris standing against the doorway – arms crossed.

He glances at me and smiles. "I have a surprise for you."

I laugh. _What_ _could he possibly have for me?_

He leads me to the main room where we have sat many nights and talked about the things we love…the things we fear. "Sit down," he whispers when we get to the large window that he always keeps drawn.

I sit on my knees and anxiously await my surprise.

"Are you ready?" His voice is soft and tender for once. The change is unexpected…yet welcomed. I nod my head in reply. "Close your eyes," Fenris whispers into my ear.

I do. Through the darkness that lies behind my eyelids, I hear rustling and moving. I can only imagine what he's doing.

Finally, he takes my hand and says, "Okay, open them."

My eyes come open and before me are the dancing lights of Kirkwall. Truly, you can see the whole city. The glowing full moon allows me to see everything – from the ominous buildings of Hightown, to the sailing boats at the docks. Everywhere I look are beautiful shadows and amazing sights. The whole thing looks like one big painting…a hauntingly gorgeous painting.

"Just wait," Fenris says, his voice thick with amusement.

I realize now, he sits on the floor beside me. His hand locks with mine and I smile. "Wait for what?" I whisper, afraid that if I talk to loud my voice will break the beauty of the scene.

"You'll hear it."

I inch closer to the window, wanting to see it all. Then, I _do_ hear it. It's a mystical, tribal sound.

It's….music.

If I squint I can make out that just below us there is a small group around a fire, dancing and singing. They chant and beat on hollowed drums. The muddled figures move with the ease of a snake and the grace of a swan – it is the most enticing thing I have seen in Kirkwall yet.

"Oh my….it's amazing…" No matter how hard I try, I can't take my eyes off the dancers. The fire casts shadows against them that makes the scene that much more haunting. "Why are they doing this?" I ask Fenris, never looking away.

"I am not sure…they do it every full moon. I suspect they are some form of cult…but it is mesmerizing…nevertheless."

Suddenly, a thought occurs to me. "Dance with me," I whisper, laughing slightly.

Fenris is taken aback. "Really?"

"Yes."

He smiles widely and takes my hand.

We fly around the room together. The silk dress I wear swirls around me in beautiful cascades of blue and the room around us melts together as we dance. The drums slow down and so do we. Fenris pulls me close and stares down at me. Our bodies sway to the beat as he holds my hand to his chest.

I smile in spite of myself. He's actually happy. For the first time, I have seen him smile.

The music dies down after awhile, but still, he holds my body against his and we move with each other.

His arm slides down and holds me from behind.

As he leans down to kiss me…my body screams for me to run away…though I don't know why. _Isn't this what I've wanted since I came here…?_

Our lips meet and we kiss happily as the drums pick up again. The music is dark and alluring…the drums beat heavily and the air is thick with something….a smell.

_The_ smell.

I can feel rotting skin against my face, not the smooth skin of Fenris. The smell is so strong I gag and fear I might vomit. _Something is not right…_

My mind screams for me to run…run quickly away.

I pull back and see that the person who now holds me is not Fenris. Screams fill the air…and I _know_ they're mine.

Her face is rotting and a mischievous grin spreads across her face. "You humans are so amusing…" she purrs with her broken-glass voice. "Always, when you fall…you fall hard. You are much too predictable, young girl."

I wipe my face on the silky fabric of the night-dress to rid myself of the surely-toxic properties of her skin. My teeth sink into my lip to keep me from screaming again. Tears fill my eyes and I'm not sure if it's from the pain in my lip or the fact I just touched her – kissed her. _Ugh…_

"Leave…me alone…" I whisper, fighting back sobs. _This isn't happening…this isn't happening…this ISN'T happening!_

"I'm afraid I can't do that. You have been here too long…broken too many rules. Your time is near, child." Her red eyes pierce into my soul.

Everything around me spins and I hold my head to steady it. The smell fills my nostrils. "Who are you!?"

"Oh, you mortals – you always wish to know a name. You may call me Hela…if you must."

"Hela…like the Norse goddess?" _This can't be her…she…no. Am I going to die?_

"Yes. But no, I am not Hela, herself. Merely…one who borrows her name from time to time. She does not mind." She pulls her hood back over her head and I can still see the smirk on her misshapen face. "I don't think you'll be kissing _him_ again…" she laughs.

The tears hang on my eyes. "Be careful, girl. I would hate to have nothing to claim when all of this ends."

With that cryptic message, she is sucked out of the room in some form of swirling purple vortex.

My body crumbles to the floor and everything goes black….

In my state of nothingness I hear her laugh echo through my mind.

"Juli! Wake up! Are you okay?"

My eyes open and I see Fenris's face looming above mine. I scream, remembering Hela's haunting words. _Is this just another cruel trick? _

"Shh…it's okay, Juli…it's okay," he coos.

"No…no it isn't!" I sob. Tears roll down my face in rivers. "She's going to kill me….she's going to…" The words stop as another sob racks my body.

"Who?" Fenris's eyes grow wide with concern.

"Hela…." I murmur.

"Hela?" His eyes narrow at me.

"That's what her…name is. I think. I don't know."

Fenris pets my hair and whispers soothing words. It's odd seeing him so loving…

I try not to think about the fact Hela invaded my mind – ruined the one thing I long for.

She seeks to destroy me. And I fear before long…

She'll get her wish.


	6. Chapter 6

_A Kirkwall Dream_

_Ch. 6_

_Fenris_

From over my shoulder I can see her slight frame rise and fall with gentle ease, as if everything in the world is just and right.

_If only that were true…_

Juli shifts in the bed, causing the sheets to rustle like the dead leaves of fall. Shortly before she went to bed, I had asked her what happened and her tiny face turned pale and unrecognizable. I dropped the subject quickly and allowed her to sleep. Whatever it was that caused her to collapse must've been bad…else, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did.

But, now, I worry. Even though her breathing is deep and steady, her body thrashes and sweat rolls down her skin in fat droplets. I turn around in my chair and watch her intently – perhaps I am searching for a reason…a reason for her being here; if so, I reach no conclusion.

A burdened sigh escapes my trembling lips. It seems too much to handle for an escaped-slave. For so long I have fought for my freedom, and now I am here – in Kirkwall – with all the freedom in Thedas…and yet, I do not feel as though the chains have truly been broken. But when I look at Juli – when I gaze into those dazzling eyes that mimic the greenest fields of waving grass – I sense the freedom I seek, but it is always cruelly snatched away.

Not so long ago, I would never have allowed myself to become so infatuated with a woman; what has changed about me? Have I fallen to weakness? Or perhaps….I have found something…_more_.

The night outside the broken-down room I sit in…is still. It's as if all of Kirkwall knows something is wrong. And when I sigh again, in utter frustration, I actually believe the whole world can hear me and sense my desperation.

If they do, no one dares answer my sub-conscious plea for help.

_Juli_

"You could stay, if you want…" Fenris trails nervously, playing with the material fraying around his spiky gauntlets.

I shake my head in response. "No, I think I should go." My hand reaches for the cool metal of the doorknob and I turn before I leave. "But thank you…"

Once outside, I breathe in deeply to rid myself of the memories of the rotting smell from last night. All around me, rich scents of expensive wines and fancy perfumes exude from the nobles flitting about Hightown in all their portentous air.

This is the life I have been dropped in to. This is the life that I have dreamed of. And yet, as I start to Hawke's mansion, my feet slapping the cobblestone softly, I find myself wondering if I can really stand this any longer. Everything seems like one messed-up dream; a trick of some sort – bent on destroying me.

_What if Hela has cooked all of this up herself? _

No…that's just silly. I'm here aren't I…flesh and bones? I pinch my skin.

_Yes. Still here._

A woman in a richly purple gown runs into me, obviously too consumed with looking perfectly graceful to notice a small, unimportant girl heading her way. "Watch where you are going, fool!" Her face turns a slight red to match her fiery hair, and she searches around to see if anyone saw her slip-up.

Normally, I would say the woman is exceptionally pretty, but the heavy lip rouge and firm-set powder takes away from her beauty and the air around her swirls with a surge of power-hungry drive.

And now, my body stings from her forceful words. "I am not in the mood to be insulted by haughty nobles who think they are highly above everyone else and should be held on a golden pedestal." Her golden eyes narrow at me angrily and she makes a subtle _hmph_ in response. "And I _am no fool_!" I add indignantly. My hands rest firmly on my hips and I cock a slim eyebrow at her. Everything in my demeanor challenges her to continue further; her bright-red lips part, and then fall into a tight line as she stares past me.

At first, I half-expect to turn around and find Knight-Commander Meredith staring me down, but instead, I find Hawke grinning in his usual, charming manner. He waves casually at the woman, then turns to me and his expression changes into an annoyed glare – like that of a mother when her child acts up and she doesn't wish to scold him in public. "Come on, Juli," he whispers, taking my wrist in his strong hand. "We don't need to make a scene."

Every impulse inside me fights to disobey – to turn around and kill that woman with a deadly gaze…but I don't. I simply follow after Hawke; not that I have a choice in the matter – his snake-like grip is still firm on my arm.

People's heads turn and watch us as we walk hurriedly across the way to the handsome wooden door that sits in a tiny nook of Hightown. They notice, and yet, they don't seem to care.

Hawke shoves me through the door and I stumble forward. Catching myself on one of the small trees at the end of the entrance hall, I turn and face Hawke with a flaming face. "Thanks," I mutter, looking downward.

_It's obvious I've made myself look foolish. Maybe that lady wasn't all wrong._

He sighs and crosses his arms tightly across his chest. The deep red clothes hug him gently. It's a change to see him in casual garb and not heavy armor. "Juli…." He starts, as he sits down on the bench in the low-lit room. Beyond us, I can smell splendid stew and I decide Leandra must be cooking. My stomach growls in reply to the savory scent. "Please don't…draw much attention to yourself. This…woman…is still out there."

"Right…" I laugh nervously for some unknown reason. Telling Hawke about what happened last night seems near-impossible, so I decide to tell him and keep it short. "About that…I think her name is…well, um…Hela." I don't know why, but I still think I sound ridiculous.

"Hela?" he asks, leaning back against the wall.

"Yes…" A sharp clutter of metal makes me jump and I hold a hand to my side that aches all the time now.

"I'll talk to Varric. But, Juli…can you stay here while I'm gone?" Hawke leans forward on one arm and stares at me with that slight air of authority I have always sensed about him.

I nod meekly, not knowing what else to say to him.

_He knows something else went on…but he doesn't know what._

And better to keep it that way. I don't need everyone criticizing me for my childish ways. Isabela would, for sure, tell me I am being immature and that I simply need to snatch Fenris up. But…that just isn't what I want…_is it?_

_Blasted, I don't know **what** I want._

Hawke leaves the room in growing frustration to my awkward silence and retreats upstairs. He comes back down, stomping the steps in a deliberate manner. His face is grim and he looks at me as if I am despicable.

_What is going on that I don't seem to know? Have I said something wrong again?  
_

Before he leaves, his head snaps up and he turns to me. "Oh, and Juli…Anders was…umm…trying to kill you…so I sent him away. But, I don't think he'll try to hurt you…" The man standing before me chews on his lip nervously and breathes in and out deeply, as if he's trying to settle his stomach.

A heavy fist hits me in the chest and the breath from my lungs floats out to join the rest of the used air. _He tried to kill me? _

_…kill me._

Seeing my discomfort, and not knowing what else to do, apparently – Hawke leaves with an uncomfortable tension hanging in the air.

Soft footsteps echo through the mansion, but they seem far-away and unrealistic. _I could've died…one confrontation with that mage…and I would've been dead._

_Dead_…

"Juli, dear?" a voice calls. It is a gentle voice full of love and concern – a beautiful voice that I miss….the voice of a mother.

"Leandra," I sniff. Then, I realize I'm crying on the floor, running my hand over a soft maroon carpet.

"Oh, dear…" she whispers and runs over to my side. She wraps her arms around my waist and urges me off the ground.

In an almost dream-like state, I follow her through Hawke's home and to a room with a small red couch.

"It's my reading room…" Leandra whispers softly. The lights in her eyes shine brightly and I know this room is a source of joy for her.

She sits me down on the small red couch and smiles at me with ease.

"Davin told me about the mage…Anders. I trust this comes as a shock to you."

I know she's trying to help…but I don't know how to take it. And the room around us suddenly seems small and suffocating, despite the lofty ceilings and the immense width between the couch and the far wall that's lined with a roaring fireplace.

"It does…"

Her grey hair flows down her back in pleasant waves. Deep lines in her face mark her with wisdom and old age. "The boy was deeply misguided, Juli. Surely you know that." Her gentle voice implies she knows more than me..like it's all a game to be played; but that just couldn't be so.

Of course I know he was...**_i__s_**...misguided. But I trusted him from the very beginning and I don't even know why.

_Why **did** I go to him…? _

_More importantly: Why did he betray that trust?_

"I don't know what I should think," I murmur. I stare at my folded hands in disbelief as tears form in the corners of my eyes and blur the world around me.

_Dead_…

"I don't blame you for being shocked…possibly hurt. But there are things in this world that cannot be explained. Sometimes, we feel as though we know that what we are feeling is real and true…when it is actually nothing but an…elaborate fabrication," Leandra explains while she rocks slowly back and forth beside me and pats my leg with her elegantly thin hand.

Her dark eyes pierce me the same way Hawke's do…

_But why don't her words make any sense to me?_

"Think on it, dear." The aged woman stands and then bends down and kisses my forehead lovingly, like only a mother can do. She leaves me to my twisted thoughts as she closes the door softly behind her. I can hear the audible _click_ of it registering with the door frame.

_A fabrication…_

Was the trust I felt a fabrication?

Something tells me she meant something else entirely…but _what?_

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up! I've been crazy busy. **

**And thanks to everyone who continues to follow my story, it means a lot.**

**This chapter is much shorter than the others, but the story is building up and I just needed a way to kind of ease the characters into it.**

**(The words from Leandra are important, so remember them.) **

**Thanks again for reading!  
**

**-Frimia =)  
**


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